Being bi-polar may be the dynamic....
Being bi-polar may be the dynamic
of
your temporal ego resisting its own "Self"
I
was reflecting on my own inner voice, which I've been aware of since
grammar school as a distinctive personality. The only reason it DID
become that distinctive personality was that I had been indoctrinated by
the contemporaneous ways of my surrounding environment.. School and
family idiosyncrasies will have that effect on the way you perceive and interpret things.
But
"Self" is just this sublime adjudicator between my subconscious,
organized and articulated data and the data signals given to me by the
external world.
Probably in high school
I
had my first really serious notice and paid attention to Self, who was
admonishing and berating me for being such a tool of the ways of my
contemporary people and things in my life.. And It-He-They became more
pronounced as I was aware of the accommodation and obliged adaptation to
others agenda than to what I intuitively or consciously wanted to do or
be.
My main reckoning of that schism in my interpretation of perception came on Saturday, 15 August 1970:
August 15th 1970- a day that will live in glorious infamy for me!
,
I was as high as a kite on my return walk down Howard Ave in New
Haven's Hill Neighborhood nearing the corner of Congress Ave (note the 'X' on the sw corner).
My brain was in celebration from the subjective perception of the joyous mood that had developed on the street-to the tune of 'Glad' from TRAFFIC's 'John Barleycorn Must Die' .
At THAT moment I realized I had engaged a conversation with 'Me',
'Self', and 'I'-all having disagreements with each other. Awareness of
this stunned me to the realization that I had gone into multi-polar,
personality insanity.
I asked myself, "What can I do?". "Self" responded, "Do what ya gotta do. No time to wait on others to understand or be with you. Go ahead and begin what you must do with or without them".
With
that realization and consultation, I realized that the conversations I
had been having with myself were more than the siliques of one murmuring
to himself, but was my subconscious having established a direct
pipeline to my conscious ego.
I
thought that the situation was still normal, though probably irregular
to anomalous for others. But as I had learned from the book I read
during my freshman year, "The Lonely Crowd". The book brought up the point of 'existential loneliness'[When
you're feeling lonely and detached, even though you may be in the midst
of a crowd of people, with whom you're very familiar].
I realized I had been in 'existential loneliness', since the 8th grade, which is where I had begun to begin my conversations-unwittingly-with "Self". The
dialogue between "Me", the ego-conscious part, and Self, the conduit of
my subconscious, continued in my head and journalized, beginning while I
was at Ft Campbell Kentucky
from July 1973 and onward for the next twelve or so years hence.
At
this point, " Me" and "Self" are pretty cohesive with each other,
though I have enable "Self " to be more off-the-chain in His-Their
erotic musings which provide so much visceral vitality and the physiological increases in my metabolism.
"We" are at peace with each other, though "Self" brings me back to my
own micro-PTSD's of my own emotional past that ,with which I've come to
terms; since I see life as an emotional metamorphosis of my cognition's
interaction with the surrounding human drama through which I am obliged
to navigate.
Getting back to why people are bi-polar; if the people are shown that it IS OK TO TALK TO YOUR "SELF"
and are taught how to have the cognitive space of freedom, by way of physical space, journals, etc:
they will find that the voices in their head will provide an honest, if
not pleasant, dialogue with their "Self" and a trained, clinical
intermediary (to provide support and context) that will allow them to
see that the 'bi-polarism'
is more from they being incongruous and dissonant from what they have
fed the subconscious to be the more imperatively intense emotional
directional signals for their thinking and action.
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